IDK, they handed me this diploma and set me loose

backofthebookshelf:

It’s a fucking deleted scene, guys. And it is deleted for all the right reasons: there is no way you would read this in a book, because it’s just Frodo and Merry and Pippin and Gandalf and for some reason Gimli hanging around, post-quest, shooting the shit. IT IS GLORIOUS.

So they’re all hanging out, post-coronation, chillin’ in Minas Tirith, and the hobbits are all, What the hell was up with you sending Bilbo out to find the Ring in the first place? I mean, you did that on purpose, right?

And Gandalf is all, Well…sure, I guess.

And they harass him until he tells the whole story. His actualfax plan was to find some way of getting rid of Smaug before he and Sauron decided to be bros, and as he was heading for a vacation in the Shire one day, he ran into Thorin, who was off being a smoking hot blacksmith somewhere in the region of Bree. So they get to talking, as you do, and over drinks Thorin explains his whole Epic Plan to retake Erebor.

And Gandalf comes away from this meeting thinking two things. 1. Thorin is a douche and someone should take him down a notch, and 2. He wants to get rid of the dragon! I want to get rid of the dragon! This is amazing!

Plus then one day he’s going through his bags and comes across an old map and a key. And he goes, Oh yeah, I got these off a crazy dwarf in the dungeons of Dol Guldur a hundred years ago…he was raving something about having the last of the Dwarven Rings of Power…the one that Durin’s line had…shit.

So he goes back to Thorin and says, Okay, I will help you, but you have got to understand, you are not a king. Your kingdom has been eaten by a dragon. You cannot charge him with an army. You do not have an army. You should be sneaky, and take an expert sneak with you, and if you do it this way I will help you.

(Since Gandalf is a nice person, he does not tell Thorin exactly *how* he got the map and the key.)

And Balin (who apparently hung out with Thorin since forever) goes, A professional sneak-thief, you mean? Awesome!

And Gandalf face-palms and goes yes, fine, a professional sneak-thief, you are all idiots.

And Thorin goes, fine, who is this professional sneak-thief?

And Gandalf goes, it’s a hobbit.

And Thorin goes, I fucking hate hobbits.

And Gandalf goes, I know, that’s totally why I picked him out. 

(Notice that no one has even talked to Bilbo at this point, Bilbo has no clue this is happening, he’s sitting at home reading his letters and trying to avoid Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.)

And Thorin goes, I hate you sometimes.

And Gandalf goes, yes, but we have an arrangement. Which they did, so Gandalf arranged the party as you know.

And when he’s done telling this story, Gandalf says basically, I told Thorin to stop being a dickhead, but he didn’t, and it got him killed in the end after all.

And Frodo goes, um, what did orcs attacking have anything to do with Thorin being a dickhead?

And Gandalf goes, Well, humph.

(I highly recommend finding reading the whole thing, it’s full of random shit like Fili making fun of Bilbo’s name and Thorin bitching about Bilbo’s spoons, oh my god I could not make this up if I tried.)

Well, shit, I know what I’m reading once I finish The Hobbit.

lovelettersfromhogwarts:

i-have-the-suds:

one time my parents were gone for the weekend

so i took everything in the house and moved it five inches to the left.

it was subtle enough that it wasn’t obvious but they felt like something was off when they got back

and they kept bumping into the corners of tables and couches

i am a cruel man

misandristsextips:

If he cracks a rape joke, show him how much you appreciate his sense of humor by hurling him into a volcano. 

Hang on, OP, I have a problem with this. It just… doesn’t strike me as a practical solution.

You see, volcanoes aren’t readily available where many people live. :/

misandristsextips:

If a guy tells you that he understands what you’re going through, he’s probably just trying to get in your pants. Murmur sweetly in his ear that he really doesn’t. Then tell him to fuck off.